Love Shouldn’t be a Hustle

Recently I re-entered the dating scene. I’ve attempted this a few times since the end of my relationship with my addict, and truthfully, I wasn’t ready. Those experiences were disastrous and left me feeling more insecure, pitiful, and dejected. Following the last disappointing date, I decided to take another break and threw myself into recovery full time. Six months later, I feel like a new and improved version of myself, with the bulk of my baggage neatly sorted and stored away.

Reflecting on my relationships, I’ve always been drawn to the most emotionally unavailable and wounded people in the room; both as friends and romantic partners. Although not a conscious thought, I realize this is because I found them comfortable. My “normal” is not love that is freely given. My “normal” is love that has to be proven time and time again through obligation, sacrifice, and strife. Anything else feels insincere.

For the first time, I find myself faced with someone that wants to be with me and tells me so freely. He makes no effort to hide his attraction and admiration. He is patient and understanding when I say I want to slow down and seems invested in giving us the opportunity to grow together, at whatever pace I choose. His actions do not feel conditional or with the expectation of reciprocity; it sincerely feels like he is trying to have a good experience and is hopeful that things will work out. He is making space in his life without me asking and treating me like I have value worth respecting. Unlike my experiences in the past, he is available and not forceful but softly and persistently reassuring.

The insecurity gremlins warn me that this is probably a con, that love should not be so freely given, that I should be hustling and am not deserving…

But, for the first time, I’m not listening. I understand that everything has an element of risk and reward. That I may get hurt and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I understand that my part is to show up, be present, and participate as authentically and directly as I can manage. No more, no less. I understand that it’s okay to be optimistic and that worrying won’t do anything but make me miserable when I should be joyful.

I also understand that whether this works out or not, I do have value and I am deserving of love that is freely given. I understand that it is one of the easiest things for us to provide each other and most of us hold it back selfishly in our romantic and non-romantic relationships alike. I understand that we do this out of fear and to protect our misguided notions of love with obligations. I understand that for many of us, it is easier to hate than love because that is most of what we’ve known ourselves.

Like most life events post-recovery, dating is lending itself to reflection and introspection as I balance living in the moment with self-awareness. One day at a time, I’m working at putting my new healthier strategies in play and keeping the gremlins in the penalty box.

When I first started this journey, I was under the impression that eventually I would be cured. I understand now that isn’t the whole story. The more I practice, the more automatic things become as I get more confident and trusting of the process. But I also understand that this is a lifelong journey. The gremlins never totally go away, with considerable effort they loose their power and urgency.

And that’s okay.

At the suggestion of a friend, I recently re-read the blog from start to finish. I was, and am still, in shock of how different my writing is. I am less scattered, desperate, and hurt. It actually reads to me as almost peaceful in parts. I understand that I’m up to the challenge of continuing this process for the rest of my life; that it is possible to grow and overcome and it will be just as rewarding 10 years from now as it is today.

To those of you that continue to come back, who reach out, who share your journeys with me and also who maintain your own blogs chronicling your path: thank you. You inspire me by sharing those hard lessons, the backslides, and the successes. You help keep me grounded and remind me why there is value in growth and recovery. As hard as this process is some days, I wouldn’t change it.

Let’s not go back to sleepwalking in the land of scarcity.

 

 

Closure

Traditionally, my idea of closure came with an airing of laundry. I’d fantasize about blowouts where both parties would come together, say anything and everything, bury the hatchet and everything would be perfect. The underlying issues would disappear and life would go on.

I would use my fantastic overthinking abilities to script these confrontations, painstakingly cataloging and rehearsing all the events and ideas I would bring up to ensure that the encounter would go my way.

I admit this with profound embarassment but total honesty.

One day at a time I fight that impulse because I understand this is part of the conditioning that drives me to try and control everything around me. It is a coping strategy designed to curb my fear of the unknown and try and protect myself from risk and pain.

It is also totally unrealistic, ineffective, and serves only to prolong the length of time that I hold on to things. It impedes my ability to let go and get on to bigger and better things. It steals my energy and my serenity.

If you’ve had experience with someone in the mid- to late-stages of addiction you understand there is a lot of unethical, selfish, and baffling behaviour. You’ve probably been hurt in ways you didn’t think possible by someone’s apparent disregard for your needs and feelings. You probably feel that you deserve an apology..

And you do.

But the funny thing about words is that they are cheap and easy to deliver. I choose to believe that most people don’t knowingly and hurtfully deliver promises they don’t intend to keep or words they don’t really mean. I choose to believe that most people intend what they say in the moment, but that many of us have lost sight of what integrity of speech really means and don’t take the time to consider the weight of what we are saying.

There are unfortunately many times when people say or promise things they are unwilling or unable to deliver.

There is a chance that the words you are waiting to hear may never come from the person you feel owes them to you. There is also a chance that if they do, they will lack the appropriate action and change in behaviour that makes them meaningful. Because, really, an apology without those things is totally worthless.

But, because I understand that grief needs release and a catalyst, I wanted to share this letter that I stumbled across early in my recovery journey.

You didn’t deserve this.

I am an addict, representing all addicts. I might be your daughter, your son, husband, wife, mother, father or friend.

You might be reading this because you are searching for answers, hope, encouragement or some kind of comfort. You are hurting, yet you continue reading, because you have a loved one you really care about and maybe you even wished many a time for things to change. This loved one, may be better known as; the lost cause, the underdog, the pain bearer, the hopeless one, the destructor, or any other negative name, but finally this loved one, is better known as the addict!

As I go through the process of getting my act together and getting clean, I am not only struggling with the physical, emotional and mental withdrawals, but the regret, guilt, shame, agony and pain of what I have put you through. Dealing and facing what I have done and caused is breaking my heart into a million pieces in the very same way I, the addict, have caused your heart to break so many times. Regretfully, I want to apologize and say that I am sorry, for you did not deserve this.

I am sorry for the years of hell which I put you through; the many arguments, the fights, the screaming, shouting and the calling of names. I am sorry for breaking down your entire human being. You did not deserve this.

I am sorry for all the lying, stealing, robbing, cheating, breaking of our vows and for deceiving you. I am sorry that I have traded you for my drug of choice. I am sorry that I stole your inner peace, your sanity and for breaking your trust in me. You did not deserve this.

I am sorry for the many nights I have robbed you from your sleep, for stealing the car in the middle of the night, for all the time you spent driving around searching for me. I am sorry for all the phone calls I never answered, for shutting you out and not letting you know where I am. I am sorry that I have placed you in danger so many times. You did not deserve this.

I am sorry for all the suicidal attempts and the accidental overdoses. It was never my intention to hurt you, but the desperation to kill this addict inside of me. You did not deserve this.

I am sorry for neglecting you and our children. I am sorry that I never had the time to care for you or show you just how much I really love you. I am sorry that I was never around when you needed me. I am sorry that I did not fulfill the role I was meant to do. I am sorry for crushing your spirit and then walking all over it. I am sorry. You did not deserve this.

I am sorry for the heartache, the ocean of tears and all the many worries I have caused. I am sorry that my habit was the reason that we lost it all, the house, the cars, the furniture, our family and our friends. I am sorry that I have even lost you in the process. I am sorry for placing a financial burden upon you. I am sorry that I, the addict, caused that you also have lost it all. I am truly sorry and wish I could undo all I have ever done, but I cannot do so. All I can do is to say that I am sorry, for you did not deserve this.

I, the addict, acknowledge my powerlessness against addiction. I reached the point, crying out: “Please, please, I need help, I need healing, I want it to stop, I want to get off!”, but so also, you cried the same cries many a time. I have placed you in a position of powerlessness yourself, not knowing what to do, or where to go from here anymore. I am infected, but I know that in every area of your life, because of this addict, you were also affected. I am sorry, you did not deserve this.

The real me, searching for answers, has stopped playing the blame game; everything I did was my choice. I never thought that one time of using would turn me into the monster I became, yet, although it is hard to acknowledge, everything I did was my own choice. You had nothing to do with it! I was not your choice; it was not your fault, you have not caused any of this! Therefore I am pleading with you, that you would stop playing this blame game too, for it is the addict which caused it all. It may sound harsh, but I want to ensure you that your healing will also start, if you decide to forgive yourself for the things which were out of your control, as I was the one who made my own choice. You may even need more time, more healing, as I the addict need to restore because of the things I have done. I am sorry for the guilt or thoughts I have placed in your head that you were the reason for my addiction. I am sorry for doing that to you, you did not deserve this. 

I cannot make any promises, because my words were nothing but emptiness before. How many times did I promise, I will never do it again and honestly meant it, yet the addict had a stronger hold then I thought. Today I understand things better, and if you are willing, I want to show you who I have discovered and who I really am. Thank you for a second chance, a third, a fourth and even a hundredth time. I am thankful to God and for the opportunity of another chance in life.

Whatever you do to find your own healing or restoration, I will respect and accept that. You may never trust me again, nor respect me, and I know too well that I deserve this. Should you decide to police me, or watch me like a hawk, set limits, boundaries or rules, or even decide to move on without me, I will understand and know that it is because you love me and only want to protect me as well as yourself against the addiction which stole our love, our relationship, trust and bond. I am sorry for even putting you through this, for you do not deserve this

Therefore I ask. Will you please find it in your heart, to forgive me for everything I have done, caused and put you through? Will you allow time to pass to learn that I really have changed until even I am fully aware of my full identity of who I really am? I do not deserve this. 

I am so, so sorry, for you did not deserve any of this

With both love and much regret,

The addict (Posted by MercyChild on April 16, 2012)

The Basics of Personal Boundaries

I’ve alluded fairly often to developing boundaries in relationships to improve the quality and health of connections. But, I’ve been vague because this is very much a work in progress and something I am still trying to understand and implement, one day at a time.

I need to organize my thoughts and I think that others could benefit.

First of all, it is important to understand that boundaries are not intended to be a tool to manipulate others to act a certain way. They are limits that we set out for how people act and behave around us. They define our behaviour when these limits are exceeded. Boundaries reflect our core beliefs, values, perspective, and opinions. They are like invisible bubbles, protecting our sense of self and wellness.

Boundaries are necessary because if you don’t define what you deem to be acceptable, you will be at the mercy of others. This means they will be able to tell you how to act, think and feel. This can result in you spending all your time and energy catering to what they want, which may or may not line up with your own needs and at its worst can result in emotional, physical or spiritual abuse. Over time, this can build to feelings of depression, isolation, perfectionism, people-pleasing, guilt, anxiety, lack of personal decision making skills, over or under-sharing, victimization, lack of identity and ability to express yourself.

So.. a lot of really crappy stuff.

Boundaries can be set for: personal space, sexuality, emotions, thoughts, possessions, time and energy or culture, religion, and ethics.

Things to consider:

  • Healthy boundaries attract people that are willing to respect you and want good things for you while poor boundaries are more likely to attract people who want to manipulate you.
  • It is good practice to reassess your boundaries over time; being too rigid can be  damaging by not allowing the freedom to adjust our limits as we grow. For example, I used to hate avocado, it was a hard boundary. Now I want it on everything. Growth and a boundary shift.
  • Boundaries are intended to protect your joy by ensuring that the things you choose to do match with your values and allow you to conserve energy for pursuits you find meaningful.
  • Sharing complex feelings and experiences gives you the choice of breaking boundaries, when the time is right, and being vulnerable. Shared vulnerability brings people closer over time. Vulnerability should not be confused with constant oversharing (a sign of poor boundaries) which can be a covert method of manipulation by holding a person emotionally hostage or pushing a relationship in a direction prematurely.

TMI red flags

  • posting personal rants and attacks on social media
  • no filter or regard to who gets a download of daily dramas
  • sharing personal details with new people in hopes of hurrying the friendship along
  • dominated, one-sided conversations
  • expecting on-call emotional therapy from friends and family

– Jennifer Chesak, Healthline.com

Where do you start?

  • Spend some quality time getting to know and understand yourself. This means easing up on the self-judgement and using mindfulness exercises such as meditation and journaling.
  • Be wary of asking for help in this exercise; it is possible that if you suffer from poor boundaries a number of your relationships will be codependent. This means that those people will be invested in you taking care of their happiness, which creates a conflict of interest in getting their input. If you need guidance, try someone without personal investment in helping you, like a therapist or councilor.
  • Be sure to consider your basic human rights, such as: the right to say “no” without guilt, the right to be treated with respect, the right to prioritize your needs, the right to make mistakes, and the right to refuse others’ unreasonable expectations.
  • Re-connect with your gut. If you are having a physical and / or emotional reaction to someone else’s behaviour, that’s an excellent sign that a boundary is needed.

So, you’ve done the work.  You’ve taken the time to identify where boundaries are required in our life and we are ready to roll them out.  How?

  • Focus on being assertive, not aggressive. Use language that is clear and non-negotiable without blame or threat. Focus on using “I” statements, such as: “I feel crappy when you ask about all the details of my dating life because I value privacy. What I need is space to organize my thoughts”.
  • Learn to say no without explanation.
  • It is possible that people will respond poorly to your efforts to enforce boundaries. That’s okay, remember that much like taking chemotherapy to reduce the size of a tumour, the greater good of setting healthy boundaries offsets the discomfort and the risk of pissing people off.
  • Learn to take time to tune out. No matter what the demands on your time, you are entitled to time to tune out, protect your privacy, and prioritize your needs.
  • Boundaries can be even harder to set with a person who lives with mental illness (such as addiction).  If you are experiencing problems setting or asserting boundaries, reach out to a mental health professional.

Finally, just as important as developing and protecting our own boundaries is the effort to respect the boundaries of others.  Time to connect with your intuition again and watch for social cues and body language that the person is negatively impacted by what you are saying (i.e. lack of eye contract, nervous gestures, folding arms, backing away, etc). If in doubt, ask people to be honest if you are pushing their boundaries. Often this can seem scary, but you may be surprised that people will appreciate your respect of their boundaries and consider you a safe person to be vulnerable with.

For some more information and another perspective, I enjoyed this TEDTalk by Sarri Gilman.

Choices

Recently I had the experience of getting some negative and pointed feedback on something I posted. I’ve taken for granted that my writing has a limited reach. I believe that most of the people who have stumbled across my content have done so mostly by accident and had they chosen to stay or interact it was due to shared strategy towards recovery, or at least something that I said resonated with them in the moment.

The item in question and the person who offered it are not really required for this discussion. I’ve said that I welcome alternate recovery strategies and I do. I also believe that by sharing we can all learn new tricks, which is always a good thing. I don’t think that personal improvement and healing is universal, I believe this process is best as a self-directed and adaptable plan. I accept that what I feel, say, and write is not for everyone and vice versa. It isn’t personal, we just like different things: I’m an autumn and you’re a summer – isn’t that grand?

However, I did find it hard to let go of the delivery of this alternate view point. The implication was that my approach to healing is wrong and they were right. They seemed to take personal offence to my suggestion that self-improvement was required on my part and that codependency is a farce designed to send wounded people on a quest of introspection and self-blame that is totally unnecessary and a waste of their precious time. They berated me for considering any toxicity in my actions which I found interesting considering they surely do not know me well enough to make such a flattering judgment!

I’ve given these comments some thought, and I agree with certain pieces of their argument.

Most of codependency behavior is basic and normal human nature. It is in our nature to want to connect. It is in our nature to want to invest in the growth of our families. It is seen as a good trait in a person to be willing to go to some measure of sacrifice for those they love. It is human to want to help someone you care about who is struggling, we all want to be somebody’s hero. It is normal to be disappointed when our contributions are not recognized. It is human to be upset when people’s actions and words sting us. Most of us also have slivers of narcissism, if only in our belief in our ability to inspire change in others or in our entitlement for recognition of our good deeds.

Much like addiction is to every person’s inclination to numb or require respite from the trials of being human, codependency is also an extreme expression of the human condition. And thus, I agree with the implication that being in a codependent relationship, much like being an addict, doesn’t make you fundamentally broken. We are all vulnerable to these states, and neither should carry the stigma they do. But, I do not agree that there is no room for adaptation and improvement.

Being human is laden with flaws but it also comes with greatness in that we have almost boundless potential for learning and growth. We can reinvent ourselves with enough effort and context. If a person is adequately motivated and determined, they can reprogram themselves in amazing and unimagined ways. That is not to say that everyone should be consumed by personal growth but it seems a shame to not take advantage of one of our greatest gifts.

With a year and a half of this journey under my belt, I see personal development and recovery not as an expression of hate for who I am. I see it as the ultimate expression of self-love; I recognize my potential, my resilience, my adaptability, and my strength. I owe it to myself to grow. I owe it to myself to learn when the context of my life changes. I owe it to myself to be open to joy, fulfillment, and opportunities.  I owe it to myself to be available for the moment.

I thank this commenter for the reminder that I am not broken but rather that I am evolving and that is something I am not ashamed to be excited about and share.

While I anticipate that at least some of you will challenge my ideas, and I look forward to that feedback, I request that we all approach each other with an open and respectful mind. I remind myself that every comment, like, critique, and message is from a live person and request that the same consideration is given to me.

I challenge us all to remember that we have choices. We can always pick where we devote our energy. While I hope that you will continue to share your stories, opinions, and experiences as well as considering mine I respect your right to divert your attention elsewhere.

All my best,

J.