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Codependency & Recovery: A Blog

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I’m in my 30s, educated, professional, and recovering from an 8 year love affair with an alcoholic. Jesscape represents my hope that sharing my story will hold open an empathic space for others recovering from family-related addiction issues and empower me to own my story.

Please note: I am in no way a life coach, expert, or health professional. If you are in distress or curious about life improvement, I encourage you to seek out services in your community. There is no greater investment than one you make in yourself!

Email: contact@jesscape.com

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Full disclosure: I’ve done all these things. ⁣ ⁣ Up until recently I thought this was helpful behaviour. I thought this, because this is the norm in my family. I come from a long line of well intentioned fixers. ⁣ ⁣ The deep irony of this is that although I always seem to know the best for others, I have very little confidence in my own ability to choose the correct path. I am constantly looking to other people to validate my choices in career, clothes, relationships, paint colors... you name it! ⁣ ⁣ I remind myself that one of the contributing factors to my lack of confidence is that people I love have been trying to step in and “fix” me my whole life. Well intentioned or not, not empowering me in my choices sent a message that I was not competent or qualified to do things for myself. I also feel guilt and shame about most of my choices, especially the well intentioned ones that fall on this list. I remind myself of this, not in resentment, but in an effort to discourage myself from contributing to someone else’s lack of confidence, guilt and shame; as a reminder not to fix but to empower. ⁣ ⁣ I’m sharing this list for my own benefit, as a reminder that as much as I want to step in and be heroic, I need to respect the people I love enough to know that they have the abilities and skills to fix their own problems. That they should be confident because finding the best solutions is not always taking the straight path. Sometimes making mistakes, failing, and getting back on the horse a bit battered and tired is the necessary win. ⁣ ⁣ #myjesscape⁣

I have a lot of stressful stuff happening right now. Most is good stress - moving to a new house in a new town, but I find that any stress tends to activate that inner broken record of negative back-talk. Last weekend that soundtrack was particularly loud. ⁣ ⁣ I used to try to fight it, try to convince myself otherwise, argue with those internal voices.. but that often made them louder and more insistent. ⁣ ⁣ Now, when I can reach reason, I work at acknowledging that the thoughts are happening and being compassionate with myself. I find that in combination with exercise, writing, and taking some quiet moments to do things I enjoy is the most effective way to calm my tits and remember that I am a fierce survivor who has made it through 💯 of my days so far. ⁣ ⁣ #myjesscape

About a month ago my partner told me I was doing something he didn’t like. It wasn’t a major issue, but a matter of personal preference. He didn’t frame it blamefully. He didn’t beat me over the head with a lecture on why he has this preference. He just told me he didn’t like it and allowed me the respect of choosing my own response. ⁣ ⁣ In the past, I may have argued, escalated the point to illustrate the kinds of things I accept or some other competitive and defensive bullshit. This time, I apologized for making him uncomfortable, thanked him for telling me, and promised I would work at changing. ⁣ ⁣ I’ve been sticking to my word and making a concerted effort to stop doing something that I knows makes him uncomfortable. ⁣ ⁣ I know that telling someone they are hurting you isn’t always easy. Many of us get uncomfortable at the idea of making other people uncomfortable. Being able to deliver that message calmly, respectfully and compassionately is an art and a skill that I’m still working on. My typical modus operandi is to swallow my discomfort until I have no choice to explode... at which time an avalanche of drama and words cascades out of me and the chance of peaceful resolution has long past. ⁣ ⁣ My partner inspires me in many ways. ⁣ ⁣ I understand, now more than ever, that healthy relationships are based in trust, respect, and compassion. Providing someone you care about with an opportunity to learn what you need to feel loved is an amazingly vulnerable gift. ⁣ ⁣ I understand this because I’ve lived the opposite. I understand what it’s like to beg for what you need to deaf ears. To wait and wait for change that is never coming. To wonder why you aren’t worth better...⁣ ⁣ I understand now that what I was asking for wasn’t too much. I was just asking the wrong person. ⁣ ⁣ #myjesscape⁣ ⁣

Once upon a time I had no concept of boundaries. At that time, I thought that healthy defense was berating and lecturing people when they were behaving in a way that was painful to me, either because they weren’t following my “good” ideas for how they should be living or because they were hurting me. ⁣ ⁣ I thought that calling people out that way was building healthy expectations in my relationships and defending myself against mistreatment. ⁣ ⁣ Yes, it’s important to stand up for yourself. But when people talk about healthy boundaries they aren’t talking about lecturing, scolding and reprimanding people. ⁣ ⁣ Healthy boundaries are actually about defining how YOU will behave. ⁣ ⁣ To put this into context, in a past life I tried to force my boyfriend to limit his drinking. I bitched, scolded, scoured his bank statements for liquor store transactions, made empty threats, poured booze down the drain... and generally did not behave like a sane and calm person. I didn’t understand that I couldn’t make or convince him to stop drinking. I didn’t understand that was all up to him. ⁣ ⁣ If I had known about healthy boundaries at that time, I would have worked at focusing on myself - respecting his right to express his pain in any destructive way that he so chose, but understanding that expressing my healthy boundary could have been removing myself from participating. ⁣ ⁣ #myjesscape

I spent some of the time I was in a relationship with my addict defending him and why I was with him. Both to myself and others. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ First it was little things like why he didn’t help me clean the house. Then bigger things, like why his credit was in decline, why I was shouldering more than my share, why I had to take over the finances, why we hardly ever went out or did fun things together, why I sometimes didn’t know where he was, why he put me down in front of our friends and relatives... why everyone else seemed to see how unhappy we were but I couldn’t. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I let him use his past as a justification for unacceptable behaviour. I used it too and my own as justification for why I didn’t deserve any better. I wanted so badly to believe that we would live up to the potential I saw that I couldn’t accept either one of us as we were. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ 🍂 I feel shame for realizing I fooled myself. ⁣⁣⁣ 🍂 I feel shame for not allowing him to be himself⁣⁣⁣ 🍂 I feel shame for not realizing that if you feel you need to justify and explain yourself, it might be a sign that you’re doing the wrong thing⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ But...⁣⁣⁣ 🌱 I feel grateful that I can accept my mistakes and my victories⁣⁣⁣ 🌱 I feel grateful that I’m finally living a life where I’m comfortable not justifying my choices, even when others don’t understand or approve of them⁣⁣⁣ 🌱 I’m grateful that I don’t have to use my past as an excuse for my present⁣⁣⁣ ⁣ #myjesscape⁣ ⁣

When I realized we weren’t getting back together, I remember worrying that no one would ever love me again, that the empty feeling would continue... that I would never be whole again. ⁣ ⁣ Well... almost two years later to the day: people do love me, I don’t feel empty alone, and I am whole. Further, I’ve found someone who supports my sole happiness and cultivates his own. We contribute to each other, but don’t hold each other back. Simultaneously happy, moving forward together in parallel. And, as much as I hope this life is forever, I know I will survive if it isn’t. ⁣ ⁣ So, dear past dramatic me. ⁣ Chill. ⁣ It will be hard for a while. But - one day you’ll wonder why you held on so hard to the life you thought you couldn’t live without. ⁣ ⁣ #myjesscape

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